I don’t like to use this blog for personal posts much, but it is my blog, so I guess I can do what I want with it. J Just kidding, but things have been heavy on my mind lately and I need an outlet.
In the past several years, I have determined that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I have tried to follow a few different paths, but none of them felt like mine. Being a very internalizing person, I analyze everything. I try to figure out why I feel a certain way, or why situations happen, or even why people react to me the way they do.
There are a few things I have come to realize. First, every decision we make affects tomorrow. We can’t hold other people responsible for the way our lives turn out. The decisions we make, the reactions we have to situations, it all affects our own future. You may be saying something like “I can’t control the stress others place on me or the things other people do to me”. You’re right, you can’t control what others do or say, but you can control your reactions to those people and the situations. I think the first step is taking responsibility for where you are right now…no matter where that is. If you are successful, take responsibility for putting yourself there. If you are depressed or down on your luck or financially burdened, take responsibility for putting yourself there. I know people suffer from things that are not their fault. Diseases and defects, we all have them. Part of taking responsibility is to handle what you have the best possible way you can. Don’t let it be a crutch. Don't be the victim.
The other thing I have realized is that far too many of us are unhappy. We are responsible, but we are unhappy. Maybe you make yourself get up every morning and go to a job you dont like, maybe you spend time in social circles with people you don’t like. We spend far too little time with people who make us happy and far too much time with people who make us miserable. Why? Because it’s the responsible thing to do. Our society teaches us that to be successful you must follow a certain path. You graduate high school, you go to college, you get out of college, you get a job, you get married, you have kids, you go to soccer games, you pay for your children to go to college, you take care of your parents, you retire, you die. This is the life cycle we have set for ourselves. Then we feel like failures if our marriages fall apart or our kids are successful etc.
To be honest, lifecycles are pretty natural. Many of our animal species, like the cicada, live only to reproduce. I think this is a sad and empty existence. To be honest again, many of our own species are reproducing even when they shouldn’t and probably because its expected as part of the cycle. My husband and I have decided not to reproduce. We looked at our medical conditions and decided that we couldn’t pass these genes on. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t adopt, but right now our lives are full without soccer games and PTA meetings.
What I’m trying to say is that I understand I am part of this lifecycle. Now how do I get out of it? I thought one of the things I had forgotten was goal setting. If I set goals and meet them, I will be happy. Wrong. It dawned on me that what I am missing is passion. Not the latin lover kind, the conviction kind. When I was in school, I lived and breathed music. I spent hours involved in it. I worked on it, I sought solace in it. It was exhausting and I burned myself out. The truth is, I haven’t felt the same way about anything since. So how do I get passion back? How do I find something that I feel so strongly about that I will exhaust myself out trying to do it to the best of my ability? Maybe as responsible adults, we can’t. Maybe too much of our lives are occupied with being responsible that we can’t devote time to passion. I hope that’s not the case.
Over the years, my goals in life have changed. I wanted to be wealthy. I wanted a big house. I wanted a successful career. Now, I want to be happy. I want to make a difference. I want to be independent of others. I don’t want to rely on a system or a program for my health, or retirement, or livelihood. I want to be the captain of my ship, not a deckhand.
I know that working will be part of my life for the rest of my life…its just the way things are, but how much I have to work, what I have to deal with and how hard I work will be up to me. I know what I have to do financially, I know what I need to do spiritually, I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what my passion is. It’s a bit of a sad problem. It’s like knowing why your car won’t start, and knowing where to get the parts, and knowing how to install them, but forgetting how to turn the key.
If you are one of the rare birds who are truly happy and following your passion, count your blessings. I see far too many people on my daily commute who are just going to the motions of their lifecycles. I know it’s not impossible to be one of the passionate people. They are the ones in the history books.
